Show Up

My first attempt at selling my art here in Traverse City was a dismal failure.  Dismal: it comes from the Latin dies mali: “bad days”.  Retirement has its bad days, just like working did.  The worst of these bad days is the self doubt that takes over, the sense of futility, of a dream being unreachable, a goal being impossible.

“Watch it, Dad.  Watch it before you go.  You’ll see why.” Our daughter Amy heard some of that self-doubt in my voice before the opening reception and sale of the “Small Works” at the Dennos Museum last Thursday.  She sent me a link to a TED video on creativity (click for a link)  .  In my hurry to get things ready, I did not watch it.  At the reception I watched lots of people NOT buy my plaques.  At the beginning of the night, only one of twenty had sold.  At the end of the three day sale, only one of twenty had sold.  I felt like I was back in college again, looking at the returned draft of my essay, the one I was so proud of, so enthusiastic about, with a red D+ and lots of red markups.  Last night Amy sent another TED link, this one on creativity and its raptor: fear of failure.  (Click for a link.)   I watched it.  I felt in my gut the truth of his premise – that if we are afraid to accept the possibility of failure, we will not produce anything new, anything wonderful.  Then I finally watched Elizabeth Gilbert’s video.  While Robinson said that facing the fear was necessary, she offered a way of doing it: show up and do your part. 

Today is Tuesday, and that means Goodwill Inn.  I will serve dinner to forty people whose names and souls I’m coming to know, and then spend an hour with ten or so of them in our weekly Goals Group.  Their goals are as diverse as they are, but include their common need to find work and a place to live.  When I walk into the room, my fear of their failure does not enter with me.  My fear of my own failure doesn’t either.  Elizabeth Gilbert shares a key premise about genius.  It’s not something we are; it’s something that, if we are not afraid to fail and we show up and do our part, genius is something that we have, something that visits us, works in us, breathes into us the air, the spirit that results in something new, something wonderful.  I’m fearless because of them.

They seem to be encouraged by me, to believe more in themselves.  They accomplish good things in the hour that we spend together.  They show up and do their part, setting aside their fear of failure.  They respect that the economy is real, that jobs are scarce and affordable housing is hard to find.  I realize that I am in closer solidarity with them because of my dismal failure at the Small Works sale. 

I learn from their courage that there will be bad days; that sometimes the genius doesn’t show up, not every day.  But that we – they and I – and perhaps you – share one same human calling: show up and do our part, so that the genius has the opportunity to work in us, and something new and wonderful can eventually result. 

Tomorrow I think I’ll work in my workshop, on something new, something beautiful.  I don’t know if genius will visit me...but I'll be there. 

 FreeLemonadeStand by John J. Daniels is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.