On this tenth day of Christmas, we continue to reflect on
Fr. Alfred Delp’s question, what difference it makes in our lives that Christ
is born. And we return to the model of the good
life provided by Pope Francis in his Midnight Mass homily as we look toward
Epiphany, the opening to that good life: The patience of God, the closeness of God, the tenderness
of God.
LEARNING AN UGLY TRUTH ON RETREAT
Yesterday’s posting began to look at the closeness of God by
proposing that being close with another calls us beyond fear and self-doubt
through the gift of “actual grace”, a gift given freely to us as we begin to
act, to reach out.
And I promised to share the story of my own becoming close with people
who are homeless…despite my strong aversion to it! Here’s the story of the first small step.
In my first 8-day Ignatian
retreat, my director had given me a story to enter in prayerful imagination.
There I was in the
crowd as Jesus walked down the road, the crowd attracted by his healing and his
speaking. By now I had been on retreat for a few days, and felt very close
to the person Jesus. And as I saw him
coming closer to where I was, each of us being moved by the crowd, I felt in myself
a desire to walk with him, right next to him, like the white minister I recall
walking next to Martin Luther King in a march in the 60’s.
But the crowd was
thick and aggressive, pushing toward Jesus, saying “Touch me, Jesus!” “Love me,
Jesus!” “Heal me, Jesus!”
I looked at Jesus, flanked by some of his closest followers,
who were trying to give him room to walk.
I wanted to be one of them, one of Jesus’ friends. I found
myself next to him, on his left, and as he looked straight ahead, I said “I
want to touch you, Jesus.” “I want to love you.” I want to heal you!”
He looked at me deeply, calmly, and with the pity of someone who loves
one who does not understand, and gently said to me, “Don’t touch me, touch them! Love them! Heal them!”
I looked down, to where my heart sank. I felt revulsion for the crowd.
They were dirty. They smelled, like
the baskets of dirty laundry that I remember my grandmother bringing for my
mother to wash when I was a small child. I literally sobbed to Jesus, “I don’t want to touch them! I want to touch you!”
I realized that I was pleading
with him. But he looked again at me,
kind but firmly repeating, “Touch them.
Love them. Heal them.”
In my revulsion of the crowd despite Jesus’ clear mandate to me, I knew
that my contemplation had taken me to a truth in myself. Where Jesus was
calling me to compassion for the crowd, I was stuck with my revulsion, my
distaste for them. I did not come to
resolution on this. I took it home with
me. If one can look at “sin” not as a
shameful act deserving punishment, but sin as distance from God, I would say that
I went home knowing my sin. I committed
it to prayer, but I did not resolve it.
BEING MOVED A FIRST STEP CLOSER
Some months later I was in the
kitchen of our church hall making sandwiches for the guests of our rotating
homeless shelter, with other members of my prayer community. I was concentrating on being productive,
spreading the peanut butter and jelly, bagging the sandwiches, there in the
clean, bright kitchen, so I could get back to my afternoon’s work across the
street at my job on campus. I was in the
huddle of my friends doing something charitable. Our quiet conversation paused as we realized
that the evening’s guests had arrived on their bus, and were walking single
file down the hallway outside the kitchen. We could see them through the narrow
opening of the door.
Suddenly I was back in that retreat chapel, and they were the crowd,
and I knew that Jesus was telling me to touch
them, but I was glad to be separated by the kitchen wall. Again I decided to retreat with my sin in
place. I finished my work and got back
to my job. But I knew that I needed to
get past that wall.
The next day I went to the woman coordinating our rotating shelter and
told her I’d like to cook and serve a meal. We did not serve the hot
breakfast from the kitchen, but from long tables out in the cafeteria. There was no wall to separate us from the
shelter guests. After serving breakfast
on that first morning, I hesitatingly took my own breakfast and as directed
joined the guests at table. They were
speaking to each other, and I felt incapable of being of any use to them. My eyes seemed glued to my plate. I felt like a failure. On the second day I took my plate and scanned
the room for someone sitting alone.
Malcolm was a slight light-skinned African-American perhaps in his late
30’s. His eyes were glued to his plate
too. I felt so different from him. I had no words. But I told him my name, and he told me his,
and despite the fact that no more was said, I felt that I had taken a first
step closer.
On the third morning, I watched for Malcolm to come through the line,
repeating his name in my head. Malcolm…Malcolm…Malcolm. I wanted to remember it despite my jangly
nerves, feeling so out of place, so ineffective. It was toward the end of the meal when he did
come in, and my heart leapt. He glanced
at me as he held his plate out for the scrambled eggs I was serving. “Good morning, Malcolm,” I said,
smiling. I weep as I recall the
transformation in his face, his slight brightening as he looked at me fully and
said, “You remembered my name.” I told
him I’d been looking forward to seeing him, and each of us continued with our
tasks – him to getting his breakfast and me to serving others. I joined him again with my plate. A third person was at the table, and
conversation did not grow much.
The week ended after a few more
mornings. Malcolm and I said little to
each other, but he gave me a gift that took me to more and more steps closer
and closer to others who had previously been the crown I’d passively resented
as getting in the way of my getting close to Jesus. Malcolm had let me see his face, and had let
me look into his eyes as he looked into mine.
While I felt better about taking that step, I knew it was still about me.
But Malcolm remained with me as a person as real as myself, and his gift
of being companion at that breakfast table soon had me taking another big step.
Tomorrow: a next big step closer. my walking the streets in other people’s
clothes.
FreeLemonadeStand by
John J. Daniels is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.