Christmas to Epiphany XII - Tenderness as the Fruit of Patience and Closeness

 On this 12^th Day of Christmas, my final entry in response to the question of Fr. Delp – How are things different now that Christ is born – and the three characteristics of God – the Patience of God, the Closeness of God, and the Tenderness of God.

I desire to live a life of tenderness. I have had glimpses of this in relationships with people facing difficulty. 

When my dad was progressively weakening with congestive heart failure, my wife and I would make more and more frequent drives to Chicago, the six hours each way opportunity for preparation and reflection. For those condensed weekends, I was able to focus caring and kindness, knowing that my wife and I would soon be back in our car with time to reflect and recharge our batteries.  An unforgettable experience was that of my dad who was not expressive of his emotions looking into my eyes and saying “Johnny, you’re so kind to me.”

When my friend Fred had been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, I had the opportunity in my retirement to sign up to spend time with him once a week.  As with my dad, the focused, short-term time with him allowed me to be very kind and loving.  I was free to be the best of myself.  Fred came to know me at my best, and in his eyes I saw myself at my best as well.

My relationships with people experiencing homelessness has mellowed over time, allowing me to focus on them, help them see their own dignity and value…because I have been blessed to see them as good, as my dad and Fred saw me. 

As I have reflected on these experiences of tenderness, I realize that tenderness is a fruit of patience and closeness.  These times with my dad, with Fred, with my acquaintances on the street are really effortless. The effort that preceded them were being getting past impatience and isolation. 

So today on the 12^th Day of Christmas, I’ve outlined what I’ve come to learn about Patience and Closeness, and set out some closing thoughts on Tenderness.

1.    Patience

a.    With myself: allow time to be simply loved by God, to learn God as source of all, and my primary and essential identity as beloved

b.    With others

                                          i.    Grace to keep in mind they will not grow as I think they should

                                         ii.    Grace to keep in mind that they are as imperfect as I am

c.    With God

                                          i.    God as friend – is not made in my image; God’s ways are not my ways. God is perfection, harmony, truth and beauty, goodness…but not as I define or expect.

d.    Withal: nature other than man shows growth as slow, seasonal

1.    Do I accept starts and lags in myself and others as natural, or as failings of consistency and persistence, as imperfection to be grown beyond?

2.    Do I respect the season of my own life (retired and aging)?

2.    Closeness: as night and day guide all of nature to work and rest, closeness to God in solitude and closeness to God in human companionship are gifts in alternation as well as combination.

a.     To others

                                          i.    This Christmas gift of God-as-Love calls me to be accept the gift and share it.  Being drawn into relationships is natural.

                                         ii.     Aversion to others is based on fear of them or of my own inadequacy, each a failure of trust in God’s love.

                                        iii.    Physics and grace consort to draw me to the other.  As I get closer, attraction increases, grace providing what is needed for the relationship.

b.    To myself - sitting with myself, accepting of my imperfection, respecting my own needs, physical and emotional

c.    To God: time for nothing but God, in prayer, liturgy, nature

d.    To all: delight in beauty of nature, including people, without taking responsibility to nurture or change, to remake them according to my preference

3.    Tenderness:  My tenderness has come in focused relationships, condensed periods of time.  I thought momentarily that it was like putting on a costume of kindness and acting out the part.  But I think it was actually removing the shell of my self-doubt and fear and acting as my true self. What difference it makes to me that Christ is born – Fr. Delp’s question – will show in the degree that I am this true self with my wife, my children, my neighbors, those who I see without the gift of preparation and focus.  

But I need to remember that the Pope spoke of these three characteristics as characteristics of God. They will never be mine except through the unearned and freely given gift of GRACE!

 FreeLemonadeStand by John J. Daniels is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

One Hand Clapping

He stands before Pilate with his hands bound.  

Mashad* sees the irony, and says to Lazarus, “See who is bound now, even as he unbound you.”  

Atashaah* hears his silence, this man of words, this man of truth, and wonders why he does not speak up.  “It is as if those cords that bind his hands strangle his throat too.”  

Lazarus remarks, “One is unbound within the bindings.”

Hands that cannot be loosed to heal, words that cannot be set free to teach; in my aging, I think of the restraints put on us in age.  But I can remember being a tongue-tied little boy with my hands in my pockets too; restraints have no limitation in time.

I find in this image of a silent, immobile Jesus a koan – the sound of one hand clapping.  A koan is a Zen technique that is akin to Jesus’ parables, meant to release us from thought and its traps.  What is the sound of one hand clapping?  It is silence. 

Christians often look at the Passion as Jesus teaching us not to fear death.  But even as the Passion begins with his being placed in restraints, he begins to teach us that helpless is a condition, not an identity.  He prepares us not merely for death, but for a life in which constraints are part of being human.

Who are Mashad and Atashaah? See previous posts.